On one of my longer runs I was exploring Percy Warner park with no idea of where I was other than my GPS telling me how far I'd run. I saw a killer hill a few miles into my run and pushed myself to run it w/o walking. Well, in the thick woods the trail switched back to reveal even more hill. So I pushed myself to run that. After that happened a few more times I started to think I couldn't run this stupid hill any longer. But I kept trying to make it to what I thought was the end of the hill, and when that revealed more hill, I just tried to make it to the that. Eventually I was not just at the top of the hill, but at the top of the whole park. Arguably the most beautiful park in TN in the fall. I couldn't see anything higher than me in all of the green mountains that surrounded me.
At the top, I realized there is no way that I could have run that hill if I had seen how long it was at the beginning. The mental block of seeing how tall and steep that hill was at the outset would have caused me to think "I can't do that" or "not today" and I would have turned back. But without actually knowing what I was getting into, I was able to do it.
That's how I feel like life is going right now. I want to know exactly what is going to happen next, and when I'm going to get all the things I want, and get rid of the bad things I can't shake, but sometimes it's better not to know. I think we're often stronger than we give ourselves credit for, and when our tough times are a surprise, we find a way to make it. Then one day we look back and say "I can't believe we made it through that".
I think that's why Jesus tells us not to worry about tomorrow, because today as enough worry of its own. If we worry about everything we may ever have to deal with, it's just too much. Live for today. We may not even have tomorrow.
Worry gives me an illusion of control. Like if I just think about all the stuff that's bothering me I can line it up and knock it out and I have a little bit of control. So trying to not worry is definitely a practice in faith, because I am letting go of my attempt at control (that I never really had).
My dogs are really awesome at this. They live totally in the moment. There is only today, and every meal is treated as if it may be their last. They may get into a squabble, but moments later are at complete ease with each other again.
For example: I might worry that if I ate my bed, I would have nowhere comfortable to sleep. Not so with my dog. I think her logic is as follows:
Hey, I'd like to eat my bed. [Eats Bed]. That was fun. I will lay here a while, then lick myself until I fall asleep. Holy crap! Was that a car door outside? I better alert the neighborhood by working myself into a maniacal frenzy.
I'm already looking back and realizing that I was tougher than I thought about some stuff in my life, but I know I'm not done and it may still get worse. I don't think I'm at the top of my hill yet, so I guess I'm glad I don't know how far I have to go. For today, maybe I'll just go for a run...or eat my bed.
